


Letter To All The Phans

by elizabeth_isnotonfire



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, may be triggering, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 14:42:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5008651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizabeth_isnotonfire/pseuds/elizabeth_isnotonfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan's letter to all the Phans after he killed Phil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letter To All The Phans

Dear Phans,

I've done something bad. First off- I want to say sorry. I'm sorry for how much I'll have hurt all of you.

I guess I have one bit of news you'll like to hear, but it still won't make up for the rest of it- Phan was real. Was.

It was today that it ended. Phil and I agreed not to tell you guys back in 2009 when it started, but I don't think he'd mind now.

We were just talking, sitting on the couch, and we both stood to start making dinner. Phil said one thing about himself that I didn't agree with- after spilling sauce, he said, "I just can't do anything right."

Of course, I told him that he was wrong and that he was great, but he wasn't having it. He started crying and told me things I'd hoped I would never hear come from his lips. He told me how much he had been hating himself the past few months. At this point, he was in tears and so was I. He sounded just like I had all those times when I broke down and he had to pick up the pieces. All those times where I fell headfirst into the swirling pit of despair and depression and he was the only one who could pull me out. He was there for me when I felt alone, when I had no friends, when I just wanted to end all of it.

And right then, I was hearing him say all the exact things I had said to him in those times. He was bawling and the timer on the spaghetti started going off. I fell apart, it seemed like everything was crashing down around me. Phil, the one thing that had stayed strong for me all those years, was finally starting to break, himself, and follow the same path that I did.

I couldn't accept that. at first I was sad, I had wanted to help him, but I just couldn't accept him being upset. I couldn't stand to see him this way and every tear that fell from his beautiful eyes felt like a punch to my stomach. Every word that came out of his mouth struck me like a bullet. I felt a mixture of being angry and being sad and so many other feelings I don't even have the right words to describe. There was a swirling tornado inside of me and I didn't know what to do.

The timer going off is what triggered it all. It was that last straw that made me do it- pushed me over the edge enough that I just snapped and grabbed the knife on the counter. Phil kept bawling harder but everything inside of me was such a swirling mess that I wasn't even able to understand what I was doing, but I did it and now it's done.

Now, I sit next to my boyfriend's dead body and I'm crying as I write this but honestly, it doesn't hurt a lot. I turned off the timer, Phil wasn't crying, and everything just seemed to stop. Time didn't exist in the moment after it was all over. The moment when my whole life was over.

I still don't understand why I did it. I was so happy with him, the simple answer to the situation I was in should have just been to support him- but I did the worst thing I could have and I can barely even manage the courage to actually write this sentence- I killed Phil Lester. I killed the love of my life, the man I wanted to grow old with.

I guess things never turn out the way you expect them to, right? One moment, we make the first Phil Is Not On Fire, the next we write a book and go on tour, and the next we're both dead.

Oh yeah, that's another thing I haven't yet mentioned- I'm holding a large mixture of every medication in our house right now in the palm of my hand.

There's no way I could ever go on living without Phil. Especially not in a jail cell.

I'm holding his hand now and it's colder than it's ever been.

My mind keeps flashing to all the good memories, the first kiss we had the day we met after talking online, the trips we took together, the book we wrote, the tour we went on, and everything that happened in between.

I'll make sure this gets out to all of you- I'm writing something on the back of this just for the police officers.

Thank you for being here through it all.

Goodbye, Internet.

-Dan Howell


End file.
